Stupid motherfucker made a big unclefucking mistake when he arrived at my abode armed with amphetamine sulphate. Do you do speed? He asked. Do I never say never! After a line up each nostril, I went off like a rocket. We were going to see Bunny Wailer wailing in all of his elderly magnificence in The Button Factory. The motherfucker’s hot date had suddenly got a lot hotter. Too hot in fact for his liking. I was like a livewire, tripping on sunshine! So we went speeding on our way towards town, stopping off in the park en route to trip into the sunset. Bliss!
The gig was blissful too, Bunny Wailer playing a blinder at the ripe old age of 80, every bit as full of beans as his mesmerised audience!
I can clearly remember what I was wearing that night. Shorter than short shorts & a pale green bejewelled vest that may as well have been see-through, such was the nipple effect. The motherfucker tried to rein me in by grabbing my nipples & reefing me across the dancefloor! My bouncing breasts were pulled taut! But it didn’t hurt one bit! One’s nipples become desensitized to pain after breastfeeding longterm…but the cheeeeeek of him! All I could do was laugh. Revenge, it’s said, is a dish best served cold. I’d stew on that one & get him good when I got him.
So the motherfucker took the reins & we became an item & God did I show him who was the royal queen of cheeeeeeky moves! As it turned out, he was my royal king. Our relationship took on all the dramatics of a TV drama. My daughter, who thankfully was no longer breastfeeding by this time, was old enough & bold enough to be suitably appalled by our childish behaviour. My royal cheeeeeeky princess! All of your boyfriends are idiots! She declared. Feckin eejits I had to agree.
The feckin eejit eventually grew tired of my ‘extrovertics’. So he informed me via Messenger. Not that I had not grown tired of his absolute alcoholism & self-destructive behaviour. The last straw for me occurred long before his ridiculously worded message. I awoke to a warm, wet feeling on my leg one night. ‘Twas his royal highness, relieving last night’s excessive lager intake on my leg! I leapt from the bed & squawked like a squalling chicken to wake the freaking motherfucker up! What do you want from me? He demanded to know. I wanted him to get the fuck out of my bed & tidy himself up.
A long time passed before my motherfucking king thought to apologise to me for pissing all over me & my bed. The royal cheeeeeek!
Faith In The Ripple Effect 