Today I am celebrating 14 years in psychiatry.
As the 23rd of May 2008 rolled to a close, my first encounter with psychiatric care was unfolding.
“Do you know where you are?”
“Somewhere paranormal!”
I was actually in A&E in St Vincent’s Hospital, Elm Park on Dublin’s southside but my mind wasn’t currently residing in reality.
Events of the previous 7 days had taken their toll. Sleep deprivation was playing a blinder, leading me blindly into one hell of a psychotic episode.
A week previously, I had checked out of my life with an unbearable partner & into a hotel, our infant in tow in her buggy. There was zero planning involved, I was just going with the flow which flowed all the way to Pembroke Road where I was scheduled to have a massage that afternoon. In the end, there was no massage to be had since we didn’t arrive until evening.
The Lansdowne Hotel right across the road looked so inviting, I thought. I didn’t feel like going home ever again so I decided to get a room……
I don’t imagine that I will ever forget the night that followed during which I tripped into fullblown psychosis only to emerge in the morning like a butterfly…bearing wings of lunacy till kingdom come my will be done!
No, not a wink of sleep did I have, I was too busy tripping around the twin room I had secured in the Lansdowne Hotel for baby & me. All night long…with the strongest sense of Reiki in my hands & in my breath…an invisible force was guiding my actions, it was pretty perfectly powerful & all encompassing, unifying, electrifying & energizing yet peaceful beyond words can describe. What a fucking trip!
I sat in the moonlight on the window sill, cradling an imaginary world in my hands & praying for time. Above all, my concern lay with the world’s Polar ice-caps, their meltdown representing the greatest threat there is to the future of our existence. My late but great Dad drank himself into his grave, aged 63, convinced we were all going to drown. Raise his soul!
Baby & I had company that first night. I had picked up a new friend, as one might do, that very evening. He was no stranger to me, since he worked at good old Govinda’s Restaurant on Aungier Street where I was once a regular customer. We met by chance on the street. I cannot for the life of me remember the guy’s name, dammit. He told me the name of his boss at Govinda’s & I remember that much, for it was Galogley. And Galogley was to become a most familiar name to me in the very near future……
“Do you know where you are?” The man behind that burning question was later introduced to me as Dr. Galogley, it just so happened.
“Somewhere paranormal!” Indeed, I was feeling quite the specimen, landed in an alternate universe & being subjected to subsequent scrutiny. I wasn’t sick, so what in hell’s name was I doing in Accident & Emergency?
……Backtrack a week to that fateful first night in the Lansdowne Hotel. Three was fine company with baby & me & our new friend. There were no shenanigans of a sexual nature between the pair of us, no way José! We bantered over beers into the wee hours, baby snug as a bug in a rug in her buggy beside us, as blissful as she had ever been.
Getting to bed is a foggy memory. Baby & I snuggled up together as always & our companion settled down for slumber in the spare bed.
Magic was happening in my mind. To sleep was imperative but impossible. My reality was evolving into a waking dream. I made myself comfortable on the window sill & watched the morning gradually appear in the sky. Higher than the moon.
Nowadays, I recognize early warning signs. Super early. The last thing I needed that night was a belly & brain full of beer…it triggered a psychotic episode of catastrophic proportions to my life & the life of my child. However, everything that happened has happened & I wouldn’t take away any of it…if, “through struggle we grow”, then “through catastrophe…” What then? Exponential growth! My daughter & I have grown exponentially in experience by living through my psychiatric episodes.
Looking back & looking forwards & seeing presently, I realize that SLEEP is key to my sanity. On the advice of my psychologist, I am keeping a sleep diary these days & averaging 8 or 9 hours sleep per night. Once upon a time a wise woman told me that nutrition is key. I believed her & honed my diet to perfection. It was a labour of love. These days I like to spend more time in bed resting & less time toiling in the kitchen. I am celebrating one year free from hospital admissions tomorrow so it seems to be working out. Here’s to another year of freedom!
Faith In The Ripple Effect 